TW: this story discusses multiple forms of trauma, including prison and being unhoused.

Catching Recovery

I actually thought I could get it [recovery] by osmosis hanging around the rooms … never picking up the book, never getting a sponsor – and if I did I probably only called her once – never working the steps outside of a program.

Just going to meetings and hanging out with people who were clean and sober and thinking it will rub off on me. You can get a whole bunch of tools but if you don’t know how to properly use the tools then you fall like being an educated fool.

I want to say that my recovery and support program did not start because all of a sudden I wanted to be clean and sober and in recovery. I just didn’t want to go to prison again. My addiction led me into living in a tent on the street literally on my way back to prison. Desperation got me clean.

Driven by Wanting a Better Life, Supported by Faith

But I have always known God. Jesus is my God I have always known that he has looked out for me even when I wasn’t looking out for myself.

I was on my way back to prison and was in recovery court and God immediately started blessing me. I actually was trying to do the program and I got housing and that was the difference. It wasn’t even trying to be clean it was just I didn’t want to lose the housing because I have been on the streets for so long. God sent me an angel who gave me a book and my life just began to change.

I can say that I started by just wanting to keep my housing and not go to jail but quickly it changed into “wow my life is different”, “wow I have a better life”, “wow I don’t want to live like that anymore”, “wow this can happen for me a 54-year-old woman who thought I was too old to change or do anything different”. Someone who has been to prison and jail all of her life a person who was not a mom to her kids who was a “hopeless worthless helpless junkie.”

“The Whole House Started to Embrace Me”

It was this little lady I called my angel named Rosa. She’s about a 80-year-old little white lady who cornered me in a meeting and gave me my first book. She asked me why was I rushing out, asked me my name, shook my hand. Every time she saw me she would say,  “hi, how you doing” and it seemed like once she spoke to me the rooms opened up, it seemed like when she embraced me the whole house started to embrace me, the whole meeting started to embrace me.

Yeah, my life begin to change and you know it got better and better and better and better and God carried me when I couldn’t carry myself. Then I started doing the next best thing and today I have a sponsor and a grand sponsor. I have a great group of women in my life. I’m going on a retreat soon, I have a driver’s license, a job, I’m trying to open my own business, I volunteer at the place that helped me get my housing voucher. My life already is beyond my imagination so if I get nothing else I’m so grateful and thankful to recovery court, to God, to my sponsor. I have my kids in my life; not all of them but I have three of them. My mom calls me everyday. So you know everything is not peachy king and perfect but I don’t have any bad days because I’m too grateful for what I have everyday compared to where I came from. I’m not going to say it’s not hard, I go through my ups and downs. No, I’m not where I want to be but I’m dam sure not who I used to be and everyday gets better cuz I strive to be better everyday that I wake up.

As a black woman I think that society sees us as aggressive...maybe if they would listen more to us and what we say instead of always trying to judge us then they can understand us better. Click To Tweet

TW: this story discusses multiple forms of trauma, including death of a family member, prison, and mental health.

Growing Up with Trauma and Violence

My substance use began to be a problem when I was about 18 years old. By the age of about 15 I had went through a lot of trauma as far as no real guidance – just threw into the world to make decisions that I was not ready for, struggling with a lot of things as far as no self-worth, nowhere to even get self-worth and confidence. I dug deeper into my addiction which was once curiosity and recreational and then turned into I had to have it every day to get through the day. I didn’t want to deal with emotions I didn’t know how to handle. Then when I was about to be 19 my little brother was murdered! I lost it because at that point the emotion that came with that news was nothing I had ever felt before. My addiction was kicked into high gear. At my brother’s funeral I was so high my cry came from a place of, “this is what I’m supposed to be doing but I feel nothing!”

Prison Brings Change

In March 2017 I was arrested and sent to prison for my first serious crime. My mind was so hurt and confused. It honestly was the best thing to ever happen to me. I had had it with life – the judgements of the world and opinions of others with no real help or solutions to problems – it was just so hard! But being in prison taught me a lot: a sense of peace of mind, figuring “me” out, figuring out what I wanted after I got over the initial shock of, “this your home for the time being so figure it out.”

But for the ones who can’t get that mental break I was taught classes: Emotional Intelligence, Money Matters, Houses of Healing. I was not in the mindset to talk freely about my pain and hurts but after hearing others talk about their problems and issues – with the strict rules of no talking when others were talking, and no talking over someone – I came to express things about my life that had hindered me from having a life. At that point I knew I could live life substance free!

Recovery Requires Ongoing Support

My journey to recovery post release was a little bit difficult to be honest. I still needed care because I was yet not transformed into the person I wanted to become with just one year of new learned behavior. But I remained strong because after a year and a half of serving time I was transferred to a Custody to Community Transitional ReEntry Program (CCTRP) which I applied for. That program taught me a lot and helped change my way of thinking so I remained strong even though I was faced with a lot of challenges. CCTRP gave me a job when released which was important because when you are an adult not doing anything with your life people will not help you with anything. I had some of the staff emails so I was able to ask for help when faced with my problems. If I did not go to that program I would have no one to talk to about the problems I faced that were too much for me. That is where addiction seems greater because it’s too much to handle and I don’t know how. So having an outlet outside of my immediate circle helped me stay sober while being faced with huge challenges. I could give any advice go to a program if you are really serious about quitting it gives you new tools and ideas to use for a better life. That’s all we want, right!

Black Women Supporting Each Other

I wish people knew that Black women are born with a ton of struggles and obstacles and subjected to abuse mentally physically and emotionally! That kind of pressure starting at a young age can impact the brain in a severe way. Also there are no resources or even people offering outlets that are safe. We are very much worthy of support and ways of healing, not tossed to the side or under the bridge.

My groundbreaking moment had to be a conversation I had with a counselor at a reentry facility. I was uplifted so much by counselors who were also Black women teaching classes and sharing the same pains and struggles. It was great insight into stopping the feelings associated with loneliness, isolation, and “why me?” My journey was so great because I experienced something completely brand new to me. I took the tools and applied them to the life I currently live today, which is 5 years sober and financially independent.